How To Be A Hipster

So, you want to be a hipster? Hopefully, you are already aware that this will require huge amounts of never-mentioned work to turn your small-town boring self into a totally trendy hipster.

1. Master the expression of boredom.
This means that you need to find the closest mirror and sit in it for as long as possible while looking as bored/slightly pissed off as possible. You will need to have this expression at all times. If someone pulls a gun on you, you maintain this expression. If your beloved cat Fefe dies, you maintain the appearance of boredom. Got it? Good.

2. Listen to obscure indie music.
Open up your itunes. Find the songs that more than fifty people have heard of. Ok, now, delete all of them and deny that the ever took up space on your 32 gig ipod (you had better have an ipod, and a mac laptop too). Go to pitchfork.com. Find a band that no one has ever heard of, preferably a band that has less than five songs. Become obsessed with them. When other hipsters mention a band you have never heard of, either pretend to love them or go with the classic, “I liked their first Ep but I just didn’t get into them much after that” (statement requires enough knowledge to know they have put out more than one Ep).

3. Steal your clothes from the homeless (then add crap from American Apparel)
This one is pretty straightforward. Find a drunk homeless man. Punch him in the face. Steal his flannel/over-sized sweater/old t-shirt/ smelly scarf. After that, proceed to the closest American Apparel (or something similar). Buy a hoodie that is too small and skinny jeans (especially for the males). Now the hard part, shoes. Throw out your old converse. They were so 2005. Girls, never even think about heels. Flats only. Granny boots are also acceptable. Boys, vans are your easiest options.

4. Cut your hair at home.
Find a pair of scissors. Go to the mirror. Chop layers. Girls, either extremely long or short. No mid-length. Boys, long is your best bet. Try to make it somewhat even, but remember, hipsters never try to hard. Also, it is important for boys to note, you MUST have a beard or ironic mustache.

5. Wear glasses.
Did I just hear you say, “I don’t wear glasses”? Oh, well. You better freaking start. Like yesterday. Thick rimmed glasses. The thicker the better.

6. Become a vegan.
Okay, so you don’t really have to be a vegan, but you do have to have some totally strange diet. Never eat like a normal person, that is so not cool. Preferably, don’t eat at all. You can survive on a diet of coffee, organic cigarettes, and beer… so you should.

7. Have a strange sleeping schedule.
No one with a life goes to bed when it’s still dark outside. Your sleeping schedule should totally prevent you from being a functioning member of society. Does it do that? If so, you are golden.

8. Avoid cars.
I don’t care how far away wherever you are going is; it is always reachable by walking or bicycle. If not, you need to move or not go there. Simple.

9. Drink PBR.
Put down that diet coke you are drinking. Pick up a PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) and start drinking. It’s one in the afternoon? Well, drink slowly.

You now know the basics of being a hipster. Don’t screw up. If you do, the other hipsters will make you cry faster than you did that time the fat kid pushed you down on the playground in third grade. Do you want to repeat that? I didn’t think so.